An year without Ankur

Ha..I chose this peculiar topic to write on. J This phase of our life had many new wanted and unwanted things wrapped with it and my intent to write this is just to share my experience.

It was totally our decision to live 15,000 kms away for a year and am really thankful to both set of my parents to be supportive. No one asked us a question, relatives would have but, they handled it. We knew it was big cost life was asking for but, however, the belief that our future would be very close to what we had dreamt of gave us enough courage to take this decision.

We bid byes to each other on May 1 on the Delhi airport, and our journey of this life phase started.

It wasn’t easy for the first 2 months and it got tougher with each passing month. How much ever strong, patient and optimistic we were, sometimes emotions like uncertainty, incompleteness and anxiousness loomed over. Sharing some of the things I struggled with:-

Way apart time zones was a challenge, when one is at peace and back from work, other is gearing up to start the day. Connect was an issue. We missed sharing….sharing about our day, office, work, family, dreams, ambitions, spirituality, books, weekends, breakthroughs, breakdowns, new creations, etc. And the most difficult part, throwing tantrums and acting pricy didn’t make sense, it would take the other one 12 hours to react and come back to you. J

Soon after Ankur left, weekends were gloomy for me; I had nothing to do, no friends, no home chores, no coffee leisure, no travel, no weekend shopping, no movies, no eating out. Even though my parents tried spending time my way, it didn’t help much because they could not accustom to my interests and I felt out of the place in their social circle or activities.

Few months later, relatives and neighbours brought a new twist. They wanted to know, what our plans are, where would we settle, USA vs. India discussions started pouring in. Ankur’s relatives were also concerned about their intelligent and ‘laayak’ BOY cooking food and I being here and doing a job, it made no sense to them. I sometimes got highly frustrated with all sorts of questions and could not understand why people are so interested in my life…actually much more than I am. I now have a standard line for everyone, “You never know what happens in life. God has thought of it, we don’t want to waste time thinking and planning.”

I had never felt that living in your own home after marriage could be so difficult. I normally feel burdening them even after being a grown-up. Mom cooks food and my work schedules do not allow me to help her out. I could not spend time with them the way I had thought I would. I do not feel myself as a support to them.

Moreover, when I attend any family wedding or party, I feel very incomplete without Ankur. This is strange because I felt no transition when we got married and started being together. However, now, it feels as if some important part of me is missing. And now, I do not want to visit any family functions because firstly, I do not want to answer same questions for hundred different people and secondly, I do not enjoy myself without him. Also, I wish this be the last year when we are not together on our birthdays and anniversary.

Even though we had hard time this way, but am proud that our relationship never fell apart; we actually got closer to each other. We started understanding each other much more than before and the foundation of our relationship got stronger.

This time made us realize and brought many good things for our life too. And I am thankful that they came our way:-

• We have understood that sharing is one of the critical elements in our relationship. We know that we do need time with each other and can’t miss on it. We have, therefore, realized the importance of vacations and good weekend plans, which wasn’t on our radar till recently.
• Another thing that has come as a blessing is that I came very close to my in-laws; I got to know them better. I can now feel a different level of connect with them and we try to understand each other’s world. Am pleased to admit that this relationship has moved many levels up. This has been a lifetime gift.
• During this time, I took up reading so ardently. First time, I could see myself searching for good books and sharing my thoughts on them. This has been a gift.
• This time made us realize our courage, strength and patience. We started respecting and appreciating each other much more and unravelled many new behaviours of each other, both good and bad. Our acceptance for each other increased, more than we could have imagined.

This phase is yet another reinforcement of the fact that God has planned every phase of your life for some learning. I grew as a person - more mature, more patient, more bold, more caring, more spiritual, more responsible and more confident.

The time hasn’t been easy but its good to see both sides of things. J

BharatMatrimony.com

One of my colleagues in office is on a mission to find a daughter-in-law for her only son. And she is looking for a girl who is extremely fair, slim, beautiful, tall, pleasing personality, well educated in the same field as his son, working in a reputed organization, good cook, from a respected and well settled family, and mind you the parents should also have good reputation and education..oh how can I forget same caste and the patri should match with good number of gund. Phew...That’s it….!!

Am sure, she would never find the girl she wants coz no such perfect girl exists. And yes, its not just her story, it’s the same with every mother on a mission to find a perfect girl for her dear son.

“Shes not as beautiful as my daughter.” Do you want to put her in the showcase?

“Shes well educated but I don’t know if she’ll take care of her home.” Then why do you want an educated girl?

And the anxious mothers go all around showing photographs and asking people as to who looks better of them all. How can I compare two individuals, all the unique. How can I tell by seeing, who is better? Can you..? Isn’t it so strange and illogical to reject a girl because her face looks more matured compared to her age?

Aren’t all of these conversations going on between the ladies of the family who come back after evaluating/ scanning/ screening girls?

Since, there is no girl who can match all the criterions perfectly, a girl, who’s the best after the entire search, enters the family. Now, this is where the problem begins. The mother has an image of her ideal daughter-in-law in which she tries to fit her actual daughter-in-law. Then comes the expectations, the girl gets on to the project of fulfilling them by losing herself or for certain things, for which nothing can be done, like her dark complexion, she has to hear about it as if it is her fault.
And surprisingly, our society has no criterion for the guys. If a girl has the guts to reject a guy, shes an idiot to let off such a nice rishta.

We argue that our society is patriarchal and so girls have to face all this. The irony is that even if every second girl in our country faces the whole process for being the bride, she is the one who has set criterion for the perfect girl. I hardly see guys having a defined criteria for girls coming in their family.

I wonder, why do girls add to the suffering of girls in our society. And even I, as a spectator, blindly and dumbly see people doing it. Today, I take on to atleast make the mothers present/ aware to whatever evaluations they are doing, how did they feel and is it actually important. The most important qualification for a girl is to be a good life partner and not a beautiful piece of matter.

Change will begin from us and I am committed to it. :)

Its Time to be Happy..!!

 

 

Have you ever thought how long has it been since you had a hearty fulfilled laugh or been truly happy from the core…? Am sure most of us would not be able to recall the moment. Its because we are so occupied in thinking about our future dreams and our past resentments that we forget to relish our present. This is when we tend to lose the present moment and surprisingly our entire life. And we forget being happy.

 

Happiness: what exactly does it comprise of, what all possessions make one happy, can one declare oneself happy after reaching a particular stage in life, can one lose it and can it be regained…is it an inner feeling or an external expression…? Pondering over these questions could help arrive at what exactly happiness is.

I have met lots of people, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, working and jobless, famous and unknowns, beautiful and not so beautiful, achievers and non achievers but the strange fact I have noticed is there is no correlation between possessing worldly pleasures and happiness.

Once we (my husband and me) visited one of our relatives and I was surprised to see their very simple way of living and eating but they were very happy. They don’t have enough money to buy a house of their own but still they were content. They cannot instantly buy what they want to but still they are not complaining.

My maid is struggling in her life as her husband is not earning much and she has the responsibility of her three kids and their education. But I always find her smiling, so much so that her presence lightens the atmosphere and eventually makes me feel happy too.

Such people have access to a different world which keeps them free of unnecessary thoughts and tensions. I don’t mean that accomplished people cannot be happy; I just intend to say that it’s a matter of thoughts not possessions. It’s when you experience the present moment or now that you experience true happiness.

Now, how do we know that one is happy…most of you would agree when I say that a person is happy when he brings smiles to people around him. His mind is free from clutter and the unnecessary race of life. I myself feel happy at the moment when my mind is at peace, am content, satisfied, positive about life and attach less significance about myself and not because I have a house of my own or a bank balance of crores. So, isn’t it stupendous that we can achieve the state of happiness whenever we want to irrespective of other things in our life?

Summarizing by a liner, “Happiness is a way of being.”
So, start living in NOW and drop all your ego…only that’s the access to happiness.

By Happy…n Rock..!!

Union Bank: My Experiences and Thoughts

When I got selected in the Union Bank of India, I got mixed reviews from all around. Some, basically older family members, very more than happy that I got into a bank which does not have too much of work load and is good for girls. Then there were some who wanted that I should have a kick in the initial phases of my career life. There was a set of people who were reticent about their comments, somewhat analysing the conditions MBA students have had and PSUs would have. Then there were my parents who were more than happy that atleast I got a job in this scenario and confident I would find something great in the times to come. How can I forget those people who had their hard earned experiential learning in government organisations and had all the gyan to share with me. There were my friends who just wanted me to chill, keeping all my enthusiasm and dynamism to change things aside for some time. My father added to their views, be observant of the system, then be in the system and then you can change the system. Now, who’ll explain him that I don’t have so much patience, I’ll shift before undergoing all this. :)
Oh yes my reactions are awaited….I’d say life is an irony. Normally, I’ve seen my dad stuck up with sarkaari processes and then he would dispense his management fundas of makings things work in that environment and I would very proudly say, “Oh papa..I’ll not go in a government organisation…things are different in private companies”…but I forgot that Never say never in life. :)
So here I am, sharing a few thought provoking experiences I had:

• Banking is one service which, I feel is somehow closest to people because this takes care of their most precious asset, their hard earned money. So, the customers have to be made satisfied to the core, which requires lot of patience on the employees’ side.
  One day, there was a person who wanted to withdraw Rs. 12,000 from his account, which had a balance of just Rs. 12,500, for his hospitalised wife but the bank somehow didn’t have his scanned signature in its record, because his account was in a different branch. To see it from the customer’s side, it was a moment when he badly needed it, its for this time that he had saved it and though the employees understood his situation, were bound by the rules. What should be the procedure to handle cases like these? Can decision be taken on humanitarian grounds? After sometime, the branch manager decided to let him withdraw his cash; probably he could see the pain and helplessness in the customer’s eyes.


• I was sitting in the branch and understanding some deposit fundas when a retired staff came to renew his FD. Surprised to a new face in the office, he asked about me. His reaction was somehow surprising, but the hard truth. He said, ”You people have to just type in few numbers on the computer and it does it all for you. We made ledgers of 16 pages with our own hands and it took days. And then entry matching was a big headache. I outrightly challenge you to do what we had done in those days”. He was right…we can’t do it, even after acquiring better education, facilities and salary packages; we don’t have to the core knowledge. Or a positive way to look at it is technology has made things manifold easier for us, leaving us with time for more important things.


• When I was in TCS, we used to design softwares for the companies. While working there, I never realised the criticality of the work I was doing. Now working on the banking software, designed by coders like us, (basically being on the other side) is a different feeling all together. Sometimes it just throws errors, cannot connect to things at other time, all I do is take a hearty laugh…can understand things from both ends now. Technology has of course brought a revolution in the way things are done :P


• There’s is one staff in the branch, an old woman about to retire in an year, who has just been transferred from the central office to the branch, and branches have different work when compared with corporate office. She is into check clearing which needs to be done same day because its bank policy to have money debited/credited in the account the third day. Now since she is not very comfortable with computers, it takes her lot of time completing her work and it gets piled up. Obviously, there are irate customers who shout at the branch manager and the accountant for the delay.
  So, few days back, the accountant, a strict and disciplinarian lady, shouted at her in front of all the staff and customers that she needs to realise the significance of the work she’s doing and work extra if required. That lady was almost in tears and I felt uncomfortable with the event. The HR in me decided to do something about it.
  In the evening, while I was leaving, I sat down with the accountant and in a very casual manner tried to explain her that its difficult for older people to get the hang of technology. Every person has a different interest level and we should try to make the last year of that staff, before retirement, the best and memorable one rather than parting on a bitter note. She looked convinced and she said she’ll speak to the branch manager about changing her work. Oh, how elated was I that day.
  Then, the next morning, branch manager called me to ask my views on dealing with this issue. I said it’ll be great if we could shift her to some other easy work. He called that lady and asked her in which department she would like to work because the work she is handling cannot be lingered on to the next day at all. And to my surprise…she said, “No sir, I want to learn this and I will continue with this work only”. This was the biggest shock…for whom have I been doing all this?
  As my dad says..'naiki kar dariya main daal'..I did the naiki and she put it in the dariya.

All these have brought good learning to me…that’s the real training am having here. :)

MBA - More than what we see...

As I entered the NM campus on my first day, it felt like an achievement after those fish market GDs, monotonous roundabout interviews and sleepless nights in the anxiety of converting calls. I took a deep breath and murmured to myself, “I am going to make the best of these 2 years…study hard for a good job.”

Laden with the dream of a 12 lakh job, I entered my first class and it was FINANCE. And my professor started with terms like asset classification, pari pasu charge etc which went complete tangent on my head. Oh my God, it was a disaster. I had never felt so lost in my life. I was recovering from my first shock and headed towards my classmates for an introduction, clueless that it was the second shock coming my way. I met people who were already post graduates, others who had experience of 4-5 years. People had a defined list of companies they wanted to get into, the kind of specific profiles they were looking for….oh gosh. I had never thought that way. Then suddenly I bumped into a bunch of Mumbaites who were busy conversing in their typical mumbaiya accent, which made me feel an alien there. “There is more to learn than I had thought”
And then the journey began….

Those two years have been a blessing for me. Apart from the knowledge I acquired, there’s much more to it. Dealing with people, people management as MBAs term it, is my biggest learning. It was a shift from being an individual worker to a team player. Though I always knew each individual is unique, has different thoughts, I never bothered more about it but that was an indispensible part of my learning process. I analyzed various motivators for diverse people.
Those two years gave me endless opportunities to realize my potential. I could feel my confidence level rising with each step I took. I acquired a boldness to face anything that comes my way…fearlessness…”let it come” attitude. I can still remember that moment filled with pride and ecstasy when I won my first inter-college Business Plan competition. That gave me an immense satisfaction that I had been able to absorb good knowledge here, that I am aware of all aspects of business, that I am in no way less than IIM graduates, that its just the beginning and I have a long way to go.

I got a platform to do and experiment whatever I felt like. With time, I took more and more responsibilities and learnt to manage all of them effectively. I am happy I was able to deliver them to the best of my capability. Leading a team, managing events, thinking of new ideas to do things, speaking my thoughts in public forums, convincing people over my ideas, discussing and gathering learnings from others’ experiences…became a part of my existence.

‘Self Awareness’, I proudly accepted my trouble spots and worked on myself to minimize the bad effect. I now know what gets me forward and what holds me back.

I did much more than what I thought I would do. Am glad I pushed myself really hard, otherwise my learning would have been incomplete. MBA, I feel, is like an open space in everybody’s life, which can be filled with whatever one wants. Some people have spent their 2 years just in attending classes, some in bunking classes and having fun, some in the canteen, some just talking, some dreaming, some in the library, some acquiring new skills they always wanted to, some doing social activities…its all your choice..all your priorities.

MBA, if looked in terms of course curriculum, is just common sense packaged in business jargons. When I started, I wondered if making these stupid presentations and talking nonsense (common sense), fetch me high salary packages (not valid in these recession times). BUT, I’d day, theres something much more to it which normally gets unnoticed by people. That MBA attitude, that gets ingrained pays us more than the knowledge we acquire in those 2 years.

Those 2 years with all kinds of ups and downs, learnings and dislearnings, dones and undones, success and failures, have infused me with passion and enthusiasm to dream and do big.

Mother...an epitome of love

As we open our eyes to see the world around, our mother is someone who gives us the first purest and divine touch which gives us all the strength to face the macrocosm we stepped into. Shes someone whose selfless love gives us the vigor and fortitude to accomplish our dreams. Shes the bank where we park all our troubles to reap support and all the joys. Somebody has rightly said “God can’t be everywhere, so he created mothers”.

My mother, she has played different roles at diverse phases of my life…from being my strict teacher when I started school to being my understanding friend as I grew up.

Unable to receive a professional education, she wanted me to get the best of education and be independent. Since the time I was three, she has worked hard with my studies and that’s why I have always been among the bright students of the class. My father’s been in a transferrable job and we had to change cities every one and a half years. When I was six, we shifted to Rewari, a small district with not very competitive education facilities. My mom refused to compromise on my education quality. She convinced my dad and sent me to the best school around in the nearby city, almost 40 kms away. That is what has ensured my strong foundation and concepts. I still remember how anxiously she waited for me to return from my examinations, so as to evaluate my marks and performance. She was elated when I scored well, but she didn’t in any way let me be sluggish the next time in my preparations. She always used to push me so as to be just incomparable. Not only studies, she made me learn kathak for many years, various kinds of art like glass painting, oil painting, cooking, crafts, stitching etc.

Whatever I am today is all because of her…the way she stood by me when I needed her the most, the times when she would give me strength to move on when I was in distress, her never give up attitude, the way she kept my spirits up even in tough times, her prayers for my success and well being and how she taught me to be perfect in whatever I do.

All of us have dreams and aspirations about ourselves. But how can a mother dream the dreams her child does and sacrifice her aspirations because her child’s have more priority. I can’t even remember the number of times she has foregone her wants just to satisfy mine such as postponing her saree shopping because I badly wanted a cool pair of jeans.

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

The relationship a daughter shares with her mother is very special. To me, she is my best friend and my venting mechanism, with whom I can share all my troubles and feel relieved.

I feel shes played her part of duty in the best way, its my turn to now. I have acquired the finest skills and knowledge, now is the time to do my part of the duty as a daughter…to stand by her side, to give her all the luxuries and joys of life.

I always say to my mum, “Mum, please keep smiling. It sets the aura of our home. Alls well when you are happy and optimistic.” I thank God to bless me with my mom and pray to have her in my every life.

God give me the strength to live up to her expectations and ability to fulfill all her aspirations.
As its said rightly that, “The debt of the mother’s love cannot be settled even in all our lives”, I would like to thank my mother for everything. Mom I promise to abide by all the values you’ve taught me.

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.”