An year without Ankur

Ha..I chose this peculiar topic to write on. J This phase of our life had many new wanted and unwanted things wrapped with it and my intent to write this is just to share my experience.

It was totally our decision to live 15,000 kms away for a year and am really thankful to both set of my parents to be supportive. No one asked us a question, relatives would have but, they handled it. We knew it was big cost life was asking for but, however, the belief that our future would be very close to what we had dreamt of gave us enough courage to take this decision.

We bid byes to each other on May 1 on the Delhi airport, and our journey of this life phase started.

It wasn’t easy for the first 2 months and it got tougher with each passing month. How much ever strong, patient and optimistic we were, sometimes emotions like uncertainty, incompleteness and anxiousness loomed over. Sharing some of the things I struggled with:-

Way apart time zones was a challenge, when one is at peace and back from work, other is gearing up to start the day. Connect was an issue. We missed sharing….sharing about our day, office, work, family, dreams, ambitions, spirituality, books, weekends, breakthroughs, breakdowns, new creations, etc. And the most difficult part, throwing tantrums and acting pricy didn’t make sense, it would take the other one 12 hours to react and come back to you. J

Soon after Ankur left, weekends were gloomy for me; I had nothing to do, no friends, no home chores, no coffee leisure, no travel, no weekend shopping, no movies, no eating out. Even though my parents tried spending time my way, it didn’t help much because they could not accustom to my interests and I felt out of the place in their social circle or activities.

Few months later, relatives and neighbours brought a new twist. They wanted to know, what our plans are, where would we settle, USA vs. India discussions started pouring in. Ankur’s relatives were also concerned about their intelligent and ‘laayak’ BOY cooking food and I being here and doing a job, it made no sense to them. I sometimes got highly frustrated with all sorts of questions and could not understand why people are so interested in my life…actually much more than I am. I now have a standard line for everyone, “You never know what happens in life. God has thought of it, we don’t want to waste time thinking and planning.”

I had never felt that living in your own home after marriage could be so difficult. I normally feel burdening them even after being a grown-up. Mom cooks food and my work schedules do not allow me to help her out. I could not spend time with them the way I had thought I would. I do not feel myself as a support to them.

Moreover, when I attend any family wedding or party, I feel very incomplete without Ankur. This is strange because I felt no transition when we got married and started being together. However, now, it feels as if some important part of me is missing. And now, I do not want to visit any family functions because firstly, I do not want to answer same questions for hundred different people and secondly, I do not enjoy myself without him. Also, I wish this be the last year when we are not together on our birthdays and anniversary.

Even though we had hard time this way, but am proud that our relationship never fell apart; we actually got closer to each other. We started understanding each other much more than before and the foundation of our relationship got stronger.

This time made us realize and brought many good things for our life too. And I am thankful that they came our way:-

• We have understood that sharing is one of the critical elements in our relationship. We know that we do need time with each other and can’t miss on it. We have, therefore, realized the importance of vacations and good weekend plans, which wasn’t on our radar till recently.
• Another thing that has come as a blessing is that I came very close to my in-laws; I got to know them better. I can now feel a different level of connect with them and we try to understand each other’s world. Am pleased to admit that this relationship has moved many levels up. This has been a lifetime gift.
• During this time, I took up reading so ardently. First time, I could see myself searching for good books and sharing my thoughts on them. This has been a gift.
• This time made us realize our courage, strength and patience. We started respecting and appreciating each other much more and unravelled many new behaviours of each other, both good and bad. Our acceptance for each other increased, more than we could have imagined.

This phase is yet another reinforcement of the fact that God has planned every phase of your life for some learning. I grew as a person - more mature, more patient, more bold, more caring, more spiritual, more responsible and more confident.

The time hasn’t been easy but its good to see both sides of things. J

BharatMatrimony.com

One of my colleagues in office is on a mission to find a daughter-in-law for her only son. And she is looking for a girl who is extremely fair, slim, beautiful, tall, pleasing personality, well educated in the same field as his son, working in a reputed organization, good cook, from a respected and well settled family, and mind you the parents should also have good reputation and education..oh how can I forget same caste and the patri should match with good number of gund. Phew...That’s it….!!

Am sure, she would never find the girl she wants coz no such perfect girl exists. And yes, its not just her story, it’s the same with every mother on a mission to find a perfect girl for her dear son.

“Shes not as beautiful as my daughter.” Do you want to put her in the showcase?

“Shes well educated but I don’t know if she’ll take care of her home.” Then why do you want an educated girl?

And the anxious mothers go all around showing photographs and asking people as to who looks better of them all. How can I compare two individuals, all the unique. How can I tell by seeing, who is better? Can you..? Isn’t it so strange and illogical to reject a girl because her face looks more matured compared to her age?

Aren’t all of these conversations going on between the ladies of the family who come back after evaluating/ scanning/ screening girls?

Since, there is no girl who can match all the criterions perfectly, a girl, who’s the best after the entire search, enters the family. Now, this is where the problem begins. The mother has an image of her ideal daughter-in-law in which she tries to fit her actual daughter-in-law. Then comes the expectations, the girl gets on to the project of fulfilling them by losing herself or for certain things, for which nothing can be done, like her dark complexion, she has to hear about it as if it is her fault.
And surprisingly, our society has no criterion for the guys. If a girl has the guts to reject a guy, shes an idiot to let off such a nice rishta.

We argue that our society is patriarchal and so girls have to face all this. The irony is that even if every second girl in our country faces the whole process for being the bride, she is the one who has set criterion for the perfect girl. I hardly see guys having a defined criteria for girls coming in their family.

I wonder, why do girls add to the suffering of girls in our society. And even I, as a spectator, blindly and dumbly see people doing it. Today, I take on to atleast make the mothers present/ aware to whatever evaluations they are doing, how did they feel and is it actually important. The most important qualification for a girl is to be a good life partner and not a beautiful piece of matter.

Change will begin from us and I am committed to it. :)

Its Time to be Happy..!!

 

 

Have you ever thought how long has it been since you had a hearty fulfilled laugh or been truly happy from the core…? Am sure most of us would not be able to recall the moment. Its because we are so occupied in thinking about our future dreams and our past resentments that we forget to relish our present. This is when we tend to lose the present moment and surprisingly our entire life. And we forget being happy.

 

Happiness: what exactly does it comprise of, what all possessions make one happy, can one declare oneself happy after reaching a particular stage in life, can one lose it and can it be regained…is it an inner feeling or an external expression…? Pondering over these questions could help arrive at what exactly happiness is.

I have met lots of people, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, working and jobless, famous and unknowns, beautiful and not so beautiful, achievers and non achievers but the strange fact I have noticed is there is no correlation between possessing worldly pleasures and happiness.

Once we (my husband and me) visited one of our relatives and I was surprised to see their very simple way of living and eating but they were very happy. They don’t have enough money to buy a house of their own but still they were content. They cannot instantly buy what they want to but still they are not complaining.

My maid is struggling in her life as her husband is not earning much and she has the responsibility of her three kids and their education. But I always find her smiling, so much so that her presence lightens the atmosphere and eventually makes me feel happy too.

Such people have access to a different world which keeps them free of unnecessary thoughts and tensions. I don’t mean that accomplished people cannot be happy; I just intend to say that it’s a matter of thoughts not possessions. It’s when you experience the present moment or now that you experience true happiness.

Now, how do we know that one is happy…most of you would agree when I say that a person is happy when he brings smiles to people around him. His mind is free from clutter and the unnecessary race of life. I myself feel happy at the moment when my mind is at peace, am content, satisfied, positive about life and attach less significance about myself and not because I have a house of my own or a bank balance of crores. So, isn’t it stupendous that we can achieve the state of happiness whenever we want to irrespective of other things in our life?

Summarizing by a liner, “Happiness is a way of being.”
So, start living in NOW and drop all your ego…only that’s the access to happiness.

By Happy…n Rock..!!